The Onion
I write jokes for The Onion’s American Voices section. The writer of each joke for The Onion remains anonymous, but please contact me at zola.ray@gmail.com if you’d like me to send you some of my jokes.
Reductress
Full Articles
I LIVED IT: I Can’t Go to Bed Because My Lava Lamp Finally Started Doing Its Thing
How to Love Yourself Even Though You Always Look Too Late to See the Cows on a Road Trip
‘I Won’t Bother You Anymore,’ Says Man Who Plans to Message You Every Time You Post Something
How to Be Happy About a Negative STI Test Without Perpetuating the Stigma
One-liners
‘Let’s Unpack That,’ Says Therapist Seeing Your Open Suitcase in Your Zoom Background for the Fifth Week in a Row (I only wrote the headline)
Woke! This Concerned Citizen on Nextdoor Clarified That This Is Not About Race
Doctors Hate Her! This Woman Advocates For Herself at the Doctor
REPORT: The Old Lady Sitting Next to You on the Train Sees the Erotic Scene You’re Reading
Why My Refusal to Pay My Taxes Is a Trauma Response (I only wrote the headline)
How to Stop Looking For Flaws in Your Selfies and Start Looking For Medical Issues Instead
‘Next Month Will Be Really Busy,’ Says Woman Who Has Three Things Scheduled That Month
The Musk
Here are a few of my headlines for The Musk, a satirical men’s magazine that some comedy friends and I created in the form of an Instagram account. You can find the full list of them by tapping on the “Musk Mag” Highlight on my Instagram.
Uncle Weirdly Up-To-Date On Drake And Kendrick Beef
Man Secretly Happy DJ Hasn’t Heard Of Niche Song He Requested
How To Keep Things Casual By Never Refilling Her Brita
Man Wins Espy For Number Of Times He’s Dodged “What Are We” Question
Why I’m Waiting Until Marriage To Say I’m “Monogamous” On Dating Apps
How To Enjoy Presidents’ Day Even Though There Might Be A Woman President One Day
This Valentine’s Day, Give Her Your Sweatshirt So She Can Wash It
The Betches Sup Newsletter
(Somewhere between humor and journalism. Witty, easy to digest reporting on the news)
We have Trump’s tax returns. Now what?
(December 1, 2022 newsletter – one of several that I wrote)
Little Old Lady Comedy
Diary Of A New Twitter User Who Can’t Stop Telling People To “Normalize” Things
Flexx Magazine
Pfizer’s Covid Vaccine 90 Percent Effective, Must Be Stored In Working McDonald’s Ice Cream Machine