The Onion

 

I write jokes for The Onion’s American Voices section. The writer of each joke for The Onion remains anonymous, but please contact me at zola.ray@gmail.com if you’d like me to send you some of my jokes.

 

Reductress

 

Full Articles

I LIVED IT: I Can’t Go to Bed Because My Lava Lamp Finally Started Doing Its Thing

How to Love Yourself Even Though You Always Look Too Late to See the Cows on a Road Trip

Why I Stopped Cyberbullying and Started Scrolling Through the Comments to See if Anyone Else Said What I Was Thinking

‘I Won’t Bother You Anymore,’ Says Man Who Plans to Message You Every Time You Post Something

How to Be Happy About a Negative STI Test Without Perpetuating the Stigma

 

One-liners

‘Let’s Unpack That,’ Says Therapist Seeing Your Open Suitcase in Your Zoom Background for the Fifth Week in a Row (I only wrote the headline)

Woke! This Concerned Citizen on Nextdoor Clarified That This Is Not About Race

Wow! Friend Who ‘Always Got a Weird Vibe From That Guy’ Didn’t Tell You Until After He Smelled Your Hair

Doctors Hate Her! This Woman Advocates For Herself at the Doctor

REPORT: The Old Lady Sitting Next to You on the Train Sees the Erotic Scene You’re Reading

Why My Refusal to Pay My Taxes Is a Trauma Response (I only wrote the headline)

How to Stop Looking For Flaws in Your Selfies and Start Looking For Medical Issues Instead

‘This Is Where the Magic Happens,’ Says Woman in Bedroom Where She Has Intrusive Thoughts That Keep Her Up All Night

‘Next Month Will Be Really Busy,’ Says Woman Who Has Three Things Scheduled That Month

 

 

The Musk

 

Here are a few of my headlines for The Musk, a satirical men’s magazine that some comedy friends and I created in the form of an Instagram account. You can find the full list of them by tapping on the “Musk Mag” Highlight on my Instagram.

 

Uncle Weirdly Up-To-Date On Drake And Kendrick Beef

Man Secretly Happy DJ Hasn’t Heard Of Niche Song He Requested

How To Keep Things Casual By Never Refilling Her Brita

Man Wins Espy For Number Of Times He’s Dodged “What Are We” Question

Why I’m Waiting Until Marriage To Say I’m “Monogamous” On Dating Apps

How To Enjoy Presidents’ Day Even Though There Might Be A Woman President One Day

This Valentine’s Day, Give Her Your Sweatshirt So She Can Wash It

 

 

 

The Betches Sup Newsletter

 

(Somewhere between humor and journalism. Witty, easy to digest reporting on the news)

We have Trump’s tax returns. Now what?
(December 1, 2022 newsletter – one of several that I wrote)

 

 

Little Old Lady Comedy

 

Diary Of A New Twitter User Who Can’t Stop Telling People To “Normalize” Things

 

 

Flexx Magazine

 

Pfizer’s Covid Vaccine 90 Percent Effective, Must Be Stored In Working McDonald’s Ice Cream Machine